4 Days since I’ve left the house.
4 days since I’ve brushed my hair.
Finally had a bath last night.
I know Ewww. So gross. What’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with her, what’s wrong with them…?
I’m writing this under the cover of my blankets - my sanctuary. My cave. My hiding place. Where there is silence, and still, and I can hear my self breath, and think, and connect.
I take it all in, the sensations around me, daily, I decipher the meaning behind his word, her look, their grimace. I question intentions, I judge too soon, I assume, predict. I get it wrong, and I’m listless and numb. I get it right, and I am relieved. I have some semblance of control, some thread of sanity.
It hits you like a brick on the bad days. A dark cloud descends upon you and you’re suffocated by dread, paralysed with fear, filled with emptiness. The overwhelming sense of sadness. The welcome relief of fatigue is the only escape. To sleep.
Sometimes it creeps up slowly, and you can feel it coming, and you try to avoid the surge of emotions, so you paint on a smile, and you throw in a laugh, and maybe a jump and Whoo Hoo! And you’ll spend, and you’ll drink, and you’ll eat. But the beating of the heart does not stop, the anxiety does not dissipate… You still get the knock on the door, and you can’t help but Answer, and this faceless demon drags you by the collar, and takes you to places. Maybe calm soothing places, where you picture your death, and imagine the stillness. Where you relive old memories, happy memories. Or this faceless demon will push you into oblivion, beside your mothers body, inside your fathers head, experiencing your worse nightmares. All the while, life goes on, days go by, and you do what you can. you stumble, but you get up. You’re weak, but you stay strong. You fight. This Faceless demon, who rapes you of your senses, and takes your soul. You fight. At some point you come through it, and all is well with the world again, the sun shines, and the covers come off. There’s a spring in your step. And the smile is real.
Until next time.